Monday, October 5, 2015
everything i love; it's all because you push me.

What we need is a PUSH in our lives. This journal is about the people who push me. Whether I hate it or love it; I need it. It's private thoughts and feelings, that's why this is open only to selective people. I'm Coleen. Madonna is my idol. Kabbalah is what I study. I'm into dramatic arts. I express myself.

Janine / Almira
Sim Journal / Live Journal


Sunday, October 4, 2009
Everything will be so different when I'm on the stage tonight.
I don't post enough on this blog, that's a fact. I'm more of a livejournal person, yes? Yeah. Make one, add me, done. But then again, I don't blog often on that unless something is utterly important to flail about.

So my worry, for some reason, is my work ethic. I seem to be motivated for the wrong reasons and just dread some days. Maybe I'm being overworked? Maybe I'm not adjusting well? I don't know. But I'm keeping my head up because this Wednesday, I'll be in the same room as Meryl Streep. Yuh. Ya heard me right. I'm so fucking hyped for this.. it still feels like it's not going to happen to me. But what will happen once that day is over? For an optimistic person, I know I won't ever come into contact with my favourite actress. Ever. It's just another fact.

So in the next few days I'm going to have to set my shit down and think real hard. Because instant gratification never lasts long (hence the term instant.) and I've been aiming for that a lot recently. I have to think of what to work for, when to work for it, and why I'm working for it. Because why do something for no reason? Where's the fun in that? It's like having a nice Miranda Priestly: No fun. No interest. No point.

That's all.

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Wednesday, June 24, 2009
no time to hesitate.
I got into a fight with my mom early this week and it came to the point where both of us were crying rivers. It was very unusual and uncomfortable. "Everytime you come in here with a problem, I'm here for you. But what about me? Who do I have?" Is what she said about my outings and never being here. I am here. She also said she could never sleep at night because she kept wondering what she did wrong with us. "God said for me to raise this family as strongly as I can, and I will get a reward. But you are giving me nothing to keep me going." I kept saying I'm sorry I'm sorry. But she kept ignoring and ignoring! She left me downstairs, pushing my guilt deeper into my thoughts.

I had to call Ms. Jack to calm myself down.. God I felt so fucking childish and lame. But the 10 minute conversation did turn out to calm me down, and it also kept me thinking back to what I possibly could have done blindsightedly to make my mom feel this way. It's slowly resolving now.. at least I think so. "You just have to give it time and trust that your momma will come back to you." As said by Ms. Jack.

School's done. But that doesn't stop my meetings! It's okay, I enjoy them. Sort of. Tomorrow is the BBQ for next years grade nines. So the people involved all have to be at school by nine.We play games with them, give them tours and make them familiar with the people and environment around them. Sound fun? Sorta kinda. Here's the thing, each group has about 10-15 kids, and two leaders. Bad thing is I'm by myself for the whole morning. Do you even know how terrifying taking care of shy, scared kids are? What if they don't listen, what if they think I'm lame. What if they don't even come?

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Well, my skirt hasn't arrived yet. Probably since it's only been two days. Sigh. I think 8 more to go, max. But good thing is I got my schedule for Grade 11 yesterday! And here goes:

Semester 1
Math - University
Physics - University
World Religions

Semester 2
Chemistry - University
English - University
Communications & Techonology
Dramatic Arts

Okay well now.. I'm thinking of a couple things. Maybe I should take Summer School for either Math or Physics? I really want a spare in 1st Sem. No one I know is taking Physics anyways : Either way, I'm still gonna have to bust my butt; just at different times. Also, how about switchign to enriched English? Eh. I might have some teachers I don't want to be my teacher. I really love English, but if I get a crappy teacher, I know I won't enjoy it. But I do know for a fact that Paniccia is teaching Second Semester 2nd Period Enriched English, not University. So I can easily switch it without my schedule getting messed up. But do I seriously want to switch to a harder class just for the teacher? Gotta think about that. Ugh. Fuck Grade 11. But sadly I can't move on without going through Grade 11. Boo hoo. I'll be doing another play with Jack and Arangio, and hopefully Paniccia. So that's something to look forward to. And GNG as well! Kwell, I don't wanna be a Debbie Downer.

I gotta stop procrastinating and start studying for my History Exam tomorrow. Wish me luck?

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Monday, June 15, 2009
It comes to my house in 6 - 10 business days. :)
6 - 10 NORMAL DAYS! wee!

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Thursday, June 11, 2009
let me think about it.
This damn History final assignment thing.. is not working out. It's due at the end of the period tomorrow and I'm half way done. I can't possibly do the other half in an hour and 45 minutes. I spent nearly 2 hours trying to do this. Not the mention the frigging "kid's pages, 5 question quiz, and a did you know?" info fact sheet spread around the papers. Rush it tomorrow, or stay up late tonight?


Monday, June 8, 2009
she's going crazy: almira
Two ISU's down, two to go! One due next week, one due this week. And after, EXAMS EXAMS EXAMS. Ugh. Almira's sort of going crazy today.. I don't really understand why, but I still love her :)

K this post is going nowhere. So I'm gone. Except the fact that janine is KEWL! i luv u cawleen! from

LOL AS I WAS SAYING. Except the fact that Ms. Lucciola is telling people to answer questions they didn't do. Including me. Mwhaah. K now we're watching youtube videos of Pierre Truedau (sp?) How ever you spell his name. Truedau mania my ass. :

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Saturday, June 6, 2009
Okay. I'm focused. Let's see how long it takes me to do this History ISU.
Started: June 6th, 2:45PM
Finished : June 7th, 5:55PM

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Friday, June 5, 2009
you live for the fight with all that you've got.
You know how I was worried about CORE and shit? Thinking that I won't be able to do it? After math yesterday I like rushed to the Drama room, and to my surprise both of them were there! So I just spilled it out and said I thought I wouldn't be able to handle this.

And you know what I get? "It's probably the easiest thing ever ... Oh, I just wanna kill them for saying that ... First of all, you're way different from ... It's gonna be a piece of cake for you ... I pinky promise you." That did make me about 10% more confident of being able to do this.

And you know what's fucking pissing me off? How people are so surprised that I made the god damn group. They're like: "OMGS, REALLY?" Like fuck! What? I'm not cool enough to be on there? Some people are just genuinely happy sometimes, like my daughter, Mirzi! :) No she's not really my baby.


Wednesday, June 3, 2009
We'll make it I swear
I can't believe I'm in fucking CORE for Grade Nine Getaway. If I look back at this and don't remember, we're the group that plans everything and - as Shyanne said - the top of the food chain. Meaning we run the whole thing. Well except for the teachers, but you get my drift. I'm quite scared.. what if I can't handle it? I mean, am I a planning type and organizing and this leader type of person?


Tuesday, May 26, 2009
the past is gone.
Last night, I go for a jog with MJ. We go jogging and all, then I see this thing on the road. I thought to myself "Oh, it's just a bird. Or maybe a cat." So as we come closer, I realize it's a pug. The blood was pooling over and everything, and NO damn car would stop for it. It's Kingston Road, one of the busiest roads, and no one bothers to stop. Assholes. So me and MJ go over and try to pick it up, but it's just too much for me since this is how Po was EXACTLY last October. We went over to a guy and asked him if he had a phone so we could call. He didn't have one. We went over to a lady and her boyfriend. She had her phone and the police came. Jerk went over the dogs blood. Thank goodness we took the dog off the road though. He didn't have a dog tag.

It's not so much the dog that upsets me. Of course seeing someone who is so full of life and means the world to someone lying lifeless on the road by itself hurts, but the fact that thousands of cars passed by him, and no one even bothered to stop (even the person who hit him), hurts me more. MJ understood me. She understood the cruelty of the people. When po got hit, so many people stopped; People in their cars, people on the sidewalk. NO FUCKING ONE STOPPED FOR THIS DOG. If it were a human, then people would stop because it's their kind. My fucking ass. Dogs are the same thing, it's a creature. We're all creatures. We haven't even evolved one bit. We're going back in time. We're not learning, we're being biased. No one is understanding anything these days.

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Sunday, May 24, 2009
save it, those words have no meaning.
How does it feel? To know you've tried everything in this world to keep everything the same, but it will never be strong enough to stop it. To know that the one person you've been trusting your whole life is slowly drifting away, and you're the only one to notice it. How does it feel when you see people around you, different, happier than before. Different, and happier than you. But is it just the way you see things? Are you afraid of change? Of evolving? What are you afraid of? Slowly this thought in your head swims around, blaming others for the way you feel. But in reality. It's your fault. You chose to react this way. You're afraid of becoming a better person. Because once you change, you will have nothing to complain about, talk about. You will lose your entitlement. Change is the hardest thing, everyone goes through it. Learn to deal with it.


Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wow, you're turning into someone I barely know now. That's just disappointing. I don't understand you.


Friday, May 22, 2009
you push me when i really need a friend.
Piczo is pissing me off. I can't log into it! And I wanted to show Almira my site for Careers class! Stupid stupid stupid.

Trying to be positive, I did some work in History class today! I'm being progressive! I'm proud of myself. Lately I've been having trouble going to school because of my laziness. Watching Mona Lisa Smile can really make a difference in my atittude, surprisingly. And that's when I asked Ms. Jack for something. I asked her if she could be my reason to go to school. I have nothing else to go for, so I asked her, and she said yes. :) All I have to do every morning now is go to the drama room and touch base with her to let her know I'm in school.

And omg. I've found my love for Madonna and Desperate Housewives again! OMG, seriously. I'm tired of doing that depressed shit on my diary. So let's try and be positive! I know it won't last long, but this keeps me going through the day.

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009
don't know who i'm supposed to be. don't really know if i should, give a damn.
I'm not happy. I have this urge to just stop whatever I'm doing, and go into a deep slumber until everything goes away. I don't want to go to school, I don't want to do work, I don't want to have fun. This house I'm stuck in makes me feel deprived of that. When I step outside, I feel a whole world around me; it feels incredible. But I can't seem to grasp that feeling where ever I go. I need a reason to stay motivated, but I just haven't found it yet. I don't even know if I will ever find it. I feel like I have completely lost myself. It's taken me years to make myself this way, and if I keep thinking like this, then I don't know. I'm not grounded in myself anymore.


Sunday, May 17, 2009
she's flying, trying to remember where it all began.
I watched Personal Effects last night. It was the kind of movie for me. It was one of those movies that inspired me for everything around me. It was different, and I loved it. I feel so on top of the world when things like that open my eyes up wide. 

On the other hand, I've spent my last two days of the long weekend at home. Balling my eyes out to chick flicks, playing sims, and making some icons. Sad thing is: doing all these things, I didn't even start my homework.

Now if you don't mind, the season finale - TWO HOURS - of Desperate Housewives is about to begin in ten minutes. I need that time to prep myself for all the dramatic moments coming towards me. I'll be back soon yo! PEAS AND LOVE ♥

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Saturday, May 16, 2009
velvet ropes and guitars.
MJ's off to the trailer for the long weekend, meaning I have to feed Flax all weekend. I don't mind. But seriously, this means I have nothing to do with my family. I mean other people are going out to places, to another country, their cottages, and even spend time with their friends as well. And I'm here, playing sims. My family isn't so much of a let's-get-together-and-have-some-fun-as-a-family kind of family. More like the ones who just sit in the back and watch other families have fun. 

REMINDER: MAY 31=Dexter marathon until season premiere! 
New layout too! Finally! 

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Friday, May 15, 2009
i have guru moments.
So, I guess in about 2 hours Janine's going to the airport for Florida? Ah, I'm happy she's going since she needs vacation. With all she's been through and all the work she's done, she needs a vacation. Onto my guru moments on thsi blog:

You know, with all the times I've been screwed over by people, I'm not upset. When Ria just left and she blamed and tried to get me into shit, I don't care. Saying this now is practically being hypocritical. Her mom would constantly call me and needed to talk to me. I thought to myself when she left: "What am? A fucking drive through?" She became enemies with Jackie and Joanna. Jackie warned me. Joanna was vulnerable. Do I not have limits? Do I let people take advantage of me? But the thing is, I learn from it. Without me being so fucked up with friendships, I wouldn't have learned so much wisdom.
That talk didn't even make any sense at all. So I'll screw this topic and move on.

New layout though, I took the banner from xfever's LJ. So I'm crediting him on this post!


Thursday, May 14, 2009
just believe in what my lips have to say.
SAY WHAAAT. It's been a gajillion years since I posted in this! You know what I've been doing? Playing Sims. It's all MJ's fault! But I can't blame her, it's amazingly fun.

I don't know what's happening to me right now. I'm slacking off in everything. Today I had to force myself to get up and go to school more than ever. I didn't study for my math test today. My marks are slowly declining, and I haven't talked to the Misses: Arangio, Jack and Paniccia. Ms. Jack has disappeared for no reason! I haven't gotten in touch with her for about a week now and I miss her! I sent her a text last night telling about it though, so hopefully she got that.

In grade nine, I was an uptight girl who isolated herself. I never did any activites and always focused on my work. Now, in grade ten, I'm a girl who doesn't wanna do her work and go out all the time and make new friends. I've become the complete opposite. So how are grades eleven and twelve gonna be? That's what I don't know. I'm not afraid to recognize what's wrong with me and fix it. I've recognized it, but how do I fix it?

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Saturday, May 2, 2009
eyeliner and cigarettes.

CHUCK YOU FARLEY, 5X23 OF HOUSE. Cuddy and House finally have sex, after how many fucking years? HOW MANY FUCKING YEARS?! This is just way too epic. Meet the most obsessed part of me. I haven't loved a couple this much, since, ever. 

The writing of this show, is just so amazing. It's beyond what I could ever do. The developement of the characters are amazing and it makes complete sense because yoiu just can relate to it. Even though it's universal, the fact that it stand out and is so intruiguing amazes me. I inspire to write like that.

Don't even get me started on the acting. It's nail on. When a writer has a vision of a scene, it's really strong. But sometimes, they don't have the ability to convey it into something tangible. When an actor comes on and hits the scene you wrote nail on, what you intended it to be, is the most incredible feeling ever. I've had it done. This girl justified my scene in the play and it brought me to tears because she showed the audience another side of what I was feeling. I want to do that someday. Not only bring the writer to tears, but whoever is watching it. I don't want it to be corny, I want it to be real. I can't be more excited to learn more in my life. 


Monday, April 27, 2009
just take my hand, get ready to jump.
Has it really been a week since I've updated? Watch this habit turn into two weeks, then months then YEAARS! Sha bam. I'm Jay Kaying guys. Sorry, the tween in me came out there for a sec. But since you were asking, this weekend was busy.

Let's start off with THURSDAY. Which was Junior night! That was so much fun! It's upsetting since next year I can only volunteer. On Friday I found out I made GNG! Wee! And I stayed after school for a bit and talked to Miss Arangio. I told her what I wanted to tell her. I didn't say much since I kept choking up. Sucky thing, this is why I write letters.

Saturday was A LOT of work. Alex, MJ and I went to Peace Theatre and helped Miss Jack with a huge ass party she was throwing for a little girl. She was SO lucky to have that, I swear. We arrived there at around 10:15AM and ended at around 3:00PM. Miss Jack doubled the hours for us since we did - as she calls it - boot decoration camp. So now I only need 6 more hours to finish my required time, but I'm obviously going to do more. I came to school today and Miss said one of the women were impressed with me. Hooray!

On Sunday all three of us started our English project. Since God was sleeping, she turned our power off for two hours. Of course, being the slackers we were, we began filming at around 3PM. *slaps head* I feel so bad because I had to go home at around 8 and Alex really needed my help in Math. But I couldn't help her since I didn't get it as well, and my dad wanted me home. I feel good though since she actually WANTED my help, but I felt so bad because I didn't know it myself.

And today, I'm here in History class. Everyone's talking and my History and English teacher are blabbing in the front. Tssk tssk! Everyone needs to talk though, so it's okay with me. MJ isn't at school today since she staye up until 6AM this morning to finish editing the video. I've got to stop putting all the editing on her. I may as well learn video editing to help cut the slack.

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Monday, April 20, 2009
you taste just like glitter mixed with rock and roll.
NEWS NEWS NEWS. I'm addicted to the Sims 2. That's all.

But this weekend was all kinds of major events. First of all, it was my dad's birthday! Yay! I only got to see him for a few minutes since I spent 10 hours with the cast for tech rehearsal and everything. First we went to Hart House for our tech rehearsal which was only 2 hours. The other school had to do theirs as well. But I was late, I didn't know where to go, and when I apologized to Miss Jack, she seemed pissed. : I felt so bad so I tried my best to be on the ball, but I think I wasn't at all.

Aside from that, we took the subway bak to Miss Arangio's place, where there was a party room and we had some pizza and rehearsed certain parts of the play. Mmm, pizza! On the way there Beth was stalking some guy, LOL. ♥ We also got dressed in costume, and had some quiet time. Since Miss Arangio lives like 10 minutes away from the place we were gonna perform, she got us cabs to go there. When we arrived, we went into the dressing room and got our makeup on. Oh god, when I asked Kealin to put the blush on me, BAM. I looked like a China Doll. Also, my makeup was messed up. So Beth fixed it for me.

Performance time. We had mistakes. Beth came in too early, but it didn't really matter since we all went along with it. The benches weren't coordinated, but really, who would know but us? And at one part for a transition, we didn't go across the stage since it was HUGE and we had to be on the other side by the next 30 seconds of Jenna's monologue. Impossible, I began to panic until Miss Arangio told me to calm down. All in all, we had some mistakes, and so does every show. But the important part was that we didn't advertise it. We knew it was wrong, but we went along with it anyways.

Awards time! The ajudicator didn't liek some parts of our play, but I don't really care. I put on a happy face and tried to agree with everything he said. We won about 4 awards, or 5 awards I think? But we didn't make it to provincials. I wasn't at all upset. I was surprised. I learned so much from this experience and I didn't realize it until now. Hopefully next year I would be able to experience something as magical as this.

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Thursday, April 16, 2009
do you want love, do you want fame are you in the game?
Interview done yesterday! I won't go into details but I just hope it went well. I sure as hell NOT gonna be homeroom leader, cos that will just suck.

I've been spending the whole week during lunches rehearsing with Denosha and Carlivia for the serpent scene. Friday, which is P.A day is our last 5 hour rehearsal together.. if we don't make provincials. Ms. Jack said that we could make it if we make the serpent scene CLEAN and FRESH. Let's hope we get through it. I can't wait for next years play, but I'm jsut scared of all the talent going away since about 85% of the cast this year is graduating in June. I gotta learn good techniques for next year, and I wanna write the play too! OH AND BETH IS COMING BACK NEXT YEAR! So yay! :)

Lady Gaga is taking over my iPod! Good thing or bad thing? Me no know. I think that's all. I'm craving apple juice like a pregnant woman craves tacos.

Almira is on my left PerezHilton checking out Zac Efrom and how he's all "ew". I think that she thinks he's hot. My theory. Janine is on my right watching some Pepsi thing with Ashely Tisdale. She just paused it and restarted it to show me this cute guy.. oh my homies. History moments I will cherish.

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Thursday, April 9, 2009
you must walk it for yourself.
Getting report card today! Well, in a couple minutes.

BITCH. GGGG in English, mother fucker! I don't mind anyways, I don't care much for that class. But I guess I'm doing well in everything else. So, just to say, here's my marks:

MATH: 83%
AVERAGE: 84.3%

So this means I have to keep my marks up, especially in History, Math and English. Instead of Civics class, it's being switched to Careers half way through the semester since it's only half a credit each. Kso, I gotta be focused.

P.S: You need to finish your poem for English and keep practising with the fans for the rehearsal today. Also, ask if you can go to Allison's 16th this Saturday. Beign collage for audition on Tuesday, OH AND STUDY FOR MATH QUIZ IN 4TH. Thanks for reminding me Almira!

Oh and my Lola's finally getting out of the hospital today! ♥

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009
let's have some fun this beat is sick!
I just finished my History test. FAIL. I don't understand how I'm getting an 82% in this classroom. I'm feeling a bit slackish today, and probably the whole week. Is it Wednesday today? I have a rough copy of a poem/story/anything with words on it due tomorrow. Tomorrow = LAST DAY OF THE WEEK. Then next Monday and Friday there's STILL no school. But I still have rehearsal on that P.A day for 6 hours.

Which reminds me I have to start making that collage for my audition on TUESDAY. Shit, and I have to go and buy Allison's birthday present before this upcoming Saturday. What else? I feel like I'm forgetting something. Shit shit shit. Eh, I'll remember later on anyways.

REMINDER COLEEN: Meeting after school in the caf for Sears Drama Festival. Thank you. ♥

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Monday, April 6, 2009
nothing else I can say.
My grandma called our house this morning in panic. She was crying to my mom saying how she was so thin and that she was going to die soon. Ah, calm down please! :(

Eh, besides that, ugly layout in the making. I still need to fix it up a bit. But I do have rehearsals today. I didn't even read any of the english homework assigned, so I have to catch up on that. I wish we had no homework!

Anyhoo, I have $140 with me, but it seems like the $100 will go to my parents since I owe them so much in life. They really need the money especially with my grandma in the hospital. I'm trying not to spend a lot on lunch these days, trying not to cause my parents andy stress, but sometimes it just doesn't work. Hopefully this patch in my life will be sewed up soon. It's lasting way too long and the effect is getting to everyone.

Ms. Jack is sick! ♥

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Saturday, April 4, 2009
Saturrrday. Grandma's still in the hospital since Wednesday. The literacy test went fine. Yesterday was a day spent well, during class time. I didn't bother going to English class. So Ms. Arangio said I could stay with her in Resource. I may be getting a hair cut later on today. I need to fix myself up for the show on the 18th, also Dad's birthday. So that includes: Eyebrows waxed, hair cut, stupid growing 'mustache' (not even that visible, but it bothers me), and a purchase of make-up. Toodles. Updates later, I need to take a shower.

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Thursday, April 2, 2009
uh oh.
Literacy Test/OSSLT today. Lord hear my prayer.


Monday, March 30, 2009
and baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun.
History class atm. Hello beautiful! I'm waiting for this girl to finish with the printer so I can print out my not so lovely poster on the Flapper Fashion back in the 1920's. Shit. Colored printer not working. So I'm gonna have to hand in my COLORFUL poster in black and white.

In the meantime, Almira's to my right, freaking out. Our presentation for Civics is in 2 periods, equivalent to about 3 hours. *breathes in, breathes out* I should stop procrastinating. Toodles.

Still confused/pissed off.

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Saturday, March 28, 2009
fuck you.
Silence is the worst treatment. I don't know why I'm getting worked up on this. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. Okay, I don't get give a shit. I will start to ask people for advice on this.


Friday, March 27, 2009
"In other words, it's time to pounce!"
Today was my Voices That Challenge conference. I had to wake up at 6AM, leave at 6:45 and meet Winnie at Kennedy Station. I was scared at first since she wasn't there. So I found Nick and thank goodness gravy, he made me feel better. About 5 minutes after he got Erika and they left, Winnie came running! Yay! It was about 7:15 and we got on the subway. Dadadadada, we're there. Our school is the first to be there, yay. There were a ton of guest speakers and guilty as charged, I fell asleep during some of them. The workshops were fun! Well the first once was inspiring, but the second one was both inspiring AND fun. That's all I can write for now, I'm getting lazy. Toodles.


Thursday, March 26, 2009
we have got it made like ice cream topped with honey, but we got no money.
My dad left for Ohio and is planning to come back tomorrow. He's driving all the way there with his friend just to get a power tool they need for his business. Of course, this leaves my brother with his huge ass truck that he hates driving, which also has to drop me off tomorrow for my conference.

Rambling here. Today at rehearsal I was dead. Completely. I just saw stares shooting at me from my teachers as to what the hell was going on with me. I was crying the other night making my eyes puffy. So that made them close more so it looked like I was sleepy. "Everything okay there? Are you getting enough sleep?" They ask me. I nod my head lazily. See, I want to tell them what's going on right now. I want to tell them what's making me so confused and so out of place, but I would like to figure this out for myself for once. This distance thing from them, pulling away is killing me. I hate just talking to them about something casual then not going into what really matters.

I'm not much as to teased by telling them, but with this situation I've been asked not to tell anyone about it specifically. I don't know if I can keep this promise because those three ladies are basically my eyes when it comes to being optimistic. How can I be optimistic in a situation when the people teaching me aren't in on it?

Eh, I'll think about this over the weekend. I need to get some rest for tomorrow! Big day of guest speakers and a conference far, far, away from school.. for the whole day. But I will miss my homegirls Janine and Almira!

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if you know what I mean,
Almi's here! But Janine isn't. And I brought her the nail polish today! I have a 50% of a feeling she will be here. Love her! Also, I got rehearsal today, good and bad thing. Hopefully I won't get a shit load of homework today so I won't stay up late. But it's also a good thing since I'll be able to get distracted from some stupid shit in my life.

That's all. Trying to fill this journal up as much as I can.

Oh oh oh, Janine is finally here. Just 15 minutes late this time. :)

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009
you're a special lady, living in a world of make believe.
There's about a thousand mixed emotions in me right now. None of them have come out except tears because I'm afraid of showing the wrong emotion. What's happening to me right now? I don't know. Tomorrow will make things more clear, hopefully.

Positive side? If my teacher didn't move our presentation we have tomorrow for Monday there would be no positive side. I need to get in touch with three of my teachers, who don't even feel like teachers, more like sisters. Two of them never even taught me, like I could care. They've seen every aspect of my own being. It's not like being a student of theirs will ever surprise them. Go ahead and call me a nerd, like I fucking care. It's my bitchy side taking over this entry,"F.Y.I."

I don't have the typical "boy" drama girls my age have because I have no boyfriend. I'm sick of shit that's teenager like. But then again it needs to happen since I am a teen. If I can't handle this, then I definitely cannot handle the 'adult' drama. My mood fluctuates constantly so don't be surprised.

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So, guess what. Almira and Janine are here! We can finally work on our project, that's due tomorrrow. Tralala. This journal isn't about being depressed. It's about rambles and such. Although I might have "Oh I wanna kill mysel thisshit sucks" kind opf entries, I'll probably live on.

Meanwhile. = epic site.

oh, what was I thinking?
Class just began. We're suppost to be finishing up some sheets I never got to. I don't know how I'll survive in history class. On the other note, there's two empty seats on both sides of me here; Almira on the left, Janine on the right. Where are they? We have a project due tomorrow in Civics class that's worth 30% of our mark. Behind me sits the board with all the 'information' on it. It sits there blank. I'm probably failing these two classes.

I have the weirdest dreams, and it's not even funny. Weird as in like "What the fuck was that about?" Yes. Really what the fuck was that about? I've been having dreams of the same person for nearly a week. Sometimes it's the same, sometimes it's different. And no, not fantasies, but just dreams that are out there. Like I'm being told something. The odd thing is that the person in my dream is someone I wouldn't even dream about. That's why I feel so awkward around them whenever I have rehearsals and we're in the same room. Rehearsals are twice a week, plus some out of the blue ones as well. Did I forget to mention they're older than me. Like over 10 years older.

We're taking up the homework now. Gonna pretend I did it and I'll be back with another ramble.

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009
first post, happy?
Having a so-so week. Rehearsal was yesterday, and I barely made it without being all grumpy and depressed to my teachers. "Coleen, are you okay?" was aske multiple times out loud to me. I refused to say a word, I hate crying in front of people. It makes me feel out of control and week. But it seems as if I'm getting along with it well. It's intrigues me as to how people can sense there's something wrong with me when I can't.

On the positive side, my puppy training classes for this coming Saturday are cancelled. Can I get a woot woot? The trainer, Karen, has this "thing" for my brother. Hm.

Kwell, as you see, there's nothing to write here. Lame update. Janine and Almira got me hooked to this. If only Livejournal were accessible during school hours; you'd see how hooked they'd be!

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