Wednesday, June 24, 2009
no time to hesitate.
I got into a fight with my mom early this week and it came to the point where both of us were crying rivers. It was very unusual and uncomfortable. "Everytime you come in here with a problem, I'm here for you. But what about me? Who do I have?" Is what she said about my outings and never being here. I am here. She also said she could never sleep at night because she kept wondering what she did wrong with us. "God said for me to raise this family as strongly as I can, and I will get a reward. But you are giving me nothing to keep me going." I kept saying I'm sorry I'm sorry. But she kept ignoring and ignoring! She left me downstairs, pushing my guilt deeper into my thoughts.

I had to call Ms. Jack to calm myself down.. God I felt so fucking childish and lame. But the 10 minute conversation did turn out to calm me down, and it also kept me thinking back to what I possibly could have done blindsightedly to make my mom feel this way. It's slowly resolving now.. at least I think so. "You just have to give it time and trust that your momma will come back to you." As said by Ms. Jack.

School's done. But that doesn't stop my meetings! It's okay, I enjoy them. Sort of. Tomorrow is the BBQ for next years grade nines. So the people involved all have to be at school by nine.We play games with them, give them tours and make them familiar with the people and environment around them. Sound fun? Sorta kinda. Here's the thing, each group has about 10-15 kids, and two leaders. Bad thing is I'm by myself for the whole morning. Do you even know how terrifying taking care of shy, scared kids are? What if they don't listen, what if they think I'm lame. What if they don't even come?

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Well, my skirt hasn't arrived yet. Probably since it's only been two days. Sigh. I think 8 more to go, max. But good thing is I got my schedule for Grade 11 yesterday! And here goes:

Semester 1
Math - University
Physics - University
Lunch
Leadership
World Religions

Semester 2
Chemistry - University
English - University
Lunch
Communications & Techonology
Dramatic Arts

Okay well now.. I'm thinking of a couple things. Maybe I should take Summer School for either Math or Physics? I really want a spare in 1st Sem. No one I know is taking Physics anyways : Either way, I'm still gonna have to bust my butt; just at different times. Also, how about switchign to enriched English? Eh. I might have some teachers I don't want to be my teacher. I really love English, but if I get a crappy teacher, I know I won't enjoy it. But I do know for a fact that Paniccia is teaching Second Semester 2nd Period Enriched English, not University. So I can easily switch it without my schedule getting messed up. But do I seriously want to switch to a harder class just for the teacher? Gotta think about that. Ugh. Fuck Grade 11. But sadly I can't move on without going through Grade 11. Boo hoo. I'll be doing another play with Jack and Arangio, and hopefully Paniccia. So that's something to look forward to. And GNG as well! Kwell, I don't wanna be a Debbie Downer.

I gotta stop procrastinating and start studying for my History Exam tomorrow. Wish me luck?

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Friday, June 5, 2009
you live for the fight with all that you've got.
You know how I was worried about CORE and shit? Thinking that I won't be able to do it? After math yesterday I like rushed to the Drama room, and to my surprise both of them were there! So I just spilled it out and said I thought I wouldn't be able to handle this.

And you know what I get? "It's probably the easiest thing ever ... Oh, I just wanna kill them for saying that ... First of all, you're way different from ... It's gonna be a piece of cake for you ... I pinky promise you." That did make me about 10% more confident of being able to do this.

And you know what's fucking pissing me off? How people are so surprised that I made the god damn group. They're like: "OMGS, REALLY?" Like fuck! What? I'm not cool enough to be on there? Some people are just genuinely happy sometimes, like my daughter, Mirzi! :) No she's not really my baby.

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Wednesday, June 3, 2009
We'll make it I swear
I can't believe I'm in fucking CORE for Grade Nine Getaway. If I look back at this and don't remember, we're the group that plans everything and - as Shyanne said - the top of the food chain. Meaning we run the whole thing. Well except for the teachers, but you get my drift. I'm quite scared.. what if I can't handle it? I mean, am I a planning type and organizing and this leader type of person?

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